


Nighttime Ramblings

by djaqsscarlett



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 15:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18448967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djaqsscarlett/pseuds/djaqsscarlett
Summary: He loves her so much, and it scares him, but also brings him such joy.





	Nighttime Ramblings

They laid in bed. Diego had his arm flung over her protectively, snuggling her close (it made her so hot at night, a part of her wanted him to stop. She’d asked him to stop once and he’d tried so hard; he’d clutched a pillow instead, he’d slept on the opposite side of the bed, he’d done everything but they always woke up entangled the same way. Eventually she stopped asking him to stop cause he clearly hated himself for not being able to control his body at night).

Diego couldn’t sleep. He always woke up at 4am. Before Dor, he’d just, go out and fight crime. Right wrongs, save people, not care about his safety. But now, while that need was still there, would always be there, it wasn’t as strong. He’d always want to save the world, but Dor made him care about himself.

Not that he’d ever tell her that; it might scare her off, and he would never want to put that weight on her shoulders. She dealt with so much already. She put up with him, she didn’t have to but she did. She didn’t think he was that weird; she didn’t make fun of him. Everyone always made fun of him but she didn’t. For some reason she loved him.

“If I ever hurt you, leave me.” he whispered into the darkness, glad she wouldn’t hear. He wasn’t brave though to tell her yet; afraid she’d leave him. He just wants her to be happy and loved and adored, even if it’s not with him.

He never wanted to hurt her; he tried so hard not to yell and fight and always walked away before he said something he couldn’t take back. But he also never wanted her to stay with him out of some goddamn obligation. He wanted her to love him half as much as he loved her; he couldn’t ask her to love him just as much. He loved her with every bone in his body, he’d kill for her if she needed him to. He couldn’t ask her to love him that much, it wouldn’t be right. He couldn’t picture anyone outside of his family loving him that much (though she was starting to become his family, and that scared him but also made him so so happy).

He loved kissing her, and making love to her, god he adored making her moan. He loved going down on her for literal hours, reducing her to a twitching mess on the bed, barely able to tug his hair as a signal to stop. He never needed her to touch him; making her feel good made him feel so good (he’s cum so many times while going down on her, it’s embarrassing).

He loved going down on her on her period. It was fun, and yeah it tasted weird but it wasn’t gonna kill him, so why not? She didn’t like it though so he settled for gently fucking her with his fingers to help alleviate the cramps (he always fucked her in the shower, she never wanted that bloody mess on her bed).

He wanted so badly to be a good partner. He tried so hard but he was so scared that it wouldn’t be enough. That despite his best efforts, despite his life goal being “don’t become Dad”, he’d hurt her. He had so many intrusive thoughts about hurting her. His therapist kept saying that he’s gotta remind himself that he’s not his intrusive thoughts, and he tried, but they still scared him. He would rather die than hurt her.

She was not the reason he stayed alive. He wanted to live, he desperately wanted to live. His desire to live outweighed his stupid tendencies. She just made him happy. Well. She didn’t make him happy; her acceptance of him made him happy. He didn’t want to show his love too much, it might scare her off. Yeah, she didn’t think his autism was weird, but there was always that “what if?” fear. What if he shows her all the weird things in his heart, and she decides that _that_ is weird? That she can’t be with someone who loves her so much. That his love for her scares her. He hoped it didn’t scare her.

She didn’t mind that he liked he/she pronouns, didn't try to put him in a gender box. That was the newest weird thing she’d accepted. She hadn’t thought it was weird, which shocked him cause everyone except his family thought that was weird. But she just, accepted him.


End file.
